Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Chicken bread
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.