Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
my fav colour is also hitler
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too