Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.