Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
constantly working on myself.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.