@torrami: Tell her she's glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KalvinMacleod: NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that's hard to believe
@aksorojas: sad day today because: 1. my fish in the aquarium is missing. 2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
@Holy_Mowgli: I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back