[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.