Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.