Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?