“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.