‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I am crying
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.