Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno