I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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