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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand