Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.