Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
OH. COME. ON.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.