@slimmy_shady: Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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@ericsshadow: [guy who just got out of prison on a technicality] "what were you in for?" murder, a guy... a guy... "spit it out man" a guy, interrupted me
@PetrickSara: What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.
@Vodkantots: I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts. I guess that's why the pioneers usually died so young.
@bornmiserable: POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING'S FINE ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL