A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.