Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.