@Lexi__Alexandra: "Tell me why I shouldn't report you to HR?" The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. "I don't work here" I yelled back.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
@CarpentersCrack: Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented "that sounds delicious".
@bobvulfov: ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy