‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.