@cervixsmash: Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
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@SteveSuckington: Fun prank: 1. Steal your married friends phone 2. Change your name to 'Brandi from the club' 3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
@ericacanrant: If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.