ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
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Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
pat pat
From Facebook just now…
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.