[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?