[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.