@slimmy_shady: Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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@SSDated: If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (God creating coyotes) God: Make them look like dogs. Angel: Exactly like dogs? God: But with a meth problem.
@Try2StopME: I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@bigmacher: #MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'