Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.