Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.