@jwoodham: Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don't flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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@ch000ch: me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate professor: i meant questions about the midterm
@Ms612: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
@trentistweeting: [all the dairy products r hanging out] Milk: lets go drink Cheese: yea Yogurt: yea Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night