Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀