Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.