Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.