@zachheltzel: Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.
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@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
@danjan13: Swords just aren't naturally "wooooshy" enough for me, that's why I add the noise. That's why I add the noise, Janet.
@copymama: My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project. Laziness level: expert.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair