@zachheltzel: Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.
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@marinhubka: [sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
@Oshungurl: You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let's get this relationship started.
@moooooog35: I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"