@zachheltzel: Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.
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@Mikecanrant: When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
@That_Damn_Duck: At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
@MariyaAlexander: Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos