Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
blocked.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
File under excellent bookstore names.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.