Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?