Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
You Might Also Like
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.