(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.