@copymama: Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know
@JermHimselfish: The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
@mrbuster60: "My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician