@copymama: Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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@HomeProbably: I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone. I don't care, the spider's dead.
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@NotBachibawlz: Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says "Ya want a box for them?" "I was willing to pay" I said "but I guess we can fight for em"