[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Have a lovely day 😊
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Whoa 😂
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado