Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
They grow up so quick
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m awake but I object,