Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Cha-ching is my safe word
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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