Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”