Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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Noah
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod