Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
584.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???