@bearcub577: Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
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@therealeatwood: If Trump dies in office he won’t even admit it. He’ll keep tweeting from the grave: “VERY dishonest coroner’s report says I died. Sad!”
@reesespiece_: The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
@FilthyRichmond: I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.
@NeighborGrumpy: 3 - DAD! HEY DAD! Me: Don't yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me 3 - *walks over* 3 - I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?