Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.