Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The dark side of Canada
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean