@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
@underchilde: We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.
@Wine_Honey1: When I'm exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone's yard. *gets arrested for trespassing
@jctwritesstuff: [Speed date] Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house? Him: I uh... I don't... Me: NEXT