@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@bdbdleeroybrown: I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
@AimeeHelene1: They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes: You will vacuum the living room. You will run into the coffee table.