Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You Might Also Like
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
reduce, reuse, recycle
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
There’s always that one guy
#ThisMakesMeLaugh