@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
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@sad_tree: "Dad what IS the moon?" It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
@Monicann86: My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I'm going to try this with my co-workers.
@onion_an: Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?