@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
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@fro_vo: [first date] Me: why isn't a boy ant called an uncle Date: why isn't a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis *we do it right there*
@kiel_phillips: ME: I would like a complaint form ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left ME: I would like two complaint forms
@LorieGZ: Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it's now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
@missmayn: What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all “I hate you mom I’m joining ISIS.”