Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it