Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
who named him groot and not spruce lee
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
live long and prosper!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’