@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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@mydmac: DM:You're so hot, wanna Skype? Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka? DM: ME:hello...you there
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.
@iAmDelFreaky: I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
@zacharyflynn: If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.