@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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@utofellatio: Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!! ~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
@fro_vo: Cop: i told you this land is off limits Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits Cop: wtf are flimits Me: idk let's go look Cop: ok
@badbanana: That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.