Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You Might Also Like
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.