Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
✌️
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.