Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.