Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…