@proEXgirlfriend: Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you're on a diet.
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@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police" me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"
@chuuew: Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz Toto: OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it Dorothy: [inhaling] Toto: FFS
@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn't she make herself some pets? I'd have like 50 snowcats by now.