Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Does it…does it take 3 days
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble