Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know