[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Reporter: *ports again*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.